Now I’ll tell you a story that’s seldom told
The one about the woman with the heart of gold
Now her last man, was dead in the head
He went with other girls and then slept in her bed

And as a gentleman this was just too much
She was sharp with her wit and soft to the touch
I said to myself with a hint of relief
I’ll treat her right and I’ll give her no grief

She had two kittens, they were ginger and black
They peed on my bed and I gave her no flack
She had the largest eyes I ever did see
Like she was on drugs but the drugs was me

I sailed to the sun and rode out east
The only thing in my mind was to tame that beast
I rolled into there with brazen thunder
I looked in her eye and said give me your number

It was one of those days I guess
She was taken aback and overcome with happiness
I called in a day and asked for her hand
All of my moves were just going as planned

We went out eat and we ended up kissing
How could I know it was her I was missing?
We went steady it was simply absurd
She made up crazy words I’d never even heard

Now I make her laugh till she starts to cry’s
I’m guilty as sin I get that look in my eye
When I pin her down I just can’t resist
To tickle her belly as I hold down her wrist

Now when I think about her I let out a tear
Cause I’ve really only known her for one short year
She’s got the best look and she’s too darn cool
With a name like hers she got paid out in high school

But its one of those ones that turns out in the end
She cut her finger but it will soon mend
I make up characters that freak her out
When she looks in the mirror she gives a sexy pout

She gets scared when I say she looks real pretty
Because I back it up by saying I want some of her bitty
A room full of clothes, her car Colin is a mess
She wears a badge that says I’m a champion of chess

She stands on tippee toes and tells the best lies
She used to look away when I looked in her eyes
As I tickle her pits and her heroin patch
I think to myself damn she’s such a great catch

And every time I think of the Lady Horne
I laugh at her zealous fixation for porn
The youngest of three by a good few years
She’s a lot like a guy but still lets out her tears

We talk in accents like Irish and French
I sneak gas in bed and hope there’s no stench
I revel in her wit, in her beauty I bask
I chase her round the house with a scary bunny mask

Her dad pampers her, she wears his crown
I make her laugh because I hate to see her frown
She tends to my looks and she plucks my brow
When she acts like a cat she says meow

She hates mushrooms and being woken up
She hates the sound of hot water in a cup
I love her cold feet when I’m tucked into bed
I’ll read her every Tintin as I kiss her on her head

All this time now since she’s come along
There’s a sparkle in my eye when I’m singing her song
And I’ll keep smiling because when the world ends
And at the end of the day we’re the bestest of friends